Sometimes we think we are prepared and then a single moment has us reevaluating how strong and ready we truly are.
When my son was diagnosed with Autism at 22 months old, we were part of a Moms group of 7 who were so incredibly supportive of me and my son that they helped get me through some of those early dark days. One of these friends has an older son with autism so I wasn't alone when needing a friend who had gone through the diagnosis before us.
I was very open from the beginning about my son's diagnosis. He stimmed, was hyperactive, completely non-verbal (not even a "mama"), ran in circles, barely responded to his name and had poor eye contact. He didn't mind being out in public so despite the obvious traits, I did not stay home, keeping him from the world or the world from him. I know not every family living with autism gets to make this choice. Since we were able, I made the decision to let him be different in a world that whispers.
I saw the glances at the playground and the moms who would lean into each other and whisper then quickly look away as I glanced over. I heard the overtly loud patron in the restaurant booth a few down from ours comment, "she needs to better control her child." Sure they bothered me, but I think I prepared myself for it and didn't let it linger in my heart for too long. I could handle the whispers.
Until the day I couldn't. I anticipated the mom whispers, the side-glances, and even loud talkers questioning my parenting. People can be cruel. I can deal. But then one day a friend from our old playgroup asked us for a play date and I accepted. This is a friend who loves my son and celebrated his highs with me and hugged me through the lows. Her daughter is beautiful, chatty, sweet and social.
The play date was a disaster from the onset. My son didn't want to play. He wanted to hoard the tea set and not share it or play with it appropriately. He simply did not understand playing together. The little girl found another little girl and on our play date my son played alone. I sat with my mom friend talking of other things. Then I glanced over to the girls playing and saw my friend's daughter lean in for the whisper and they both glanced at my son. My heart shattered.
I found out later that the whispering wasn't mean (in fact I suspected it wasn't). She had simply explained to her friend that my son "didn't have his language yet." They didn't point or laugh at my son. There was no ill will or exclusion. They tried to play with him - they truly did. And I love my friend even more for raising such a sweet girl.
But my heart broke for another reason - they knew. The other kids knew my son was different and they were spreading the word. I wasn't prepared for that yet; for his peers to notice the difference, not just inwardly but amongst one another as well.
So in the world of autism we enter a new phase of unknowns and challenges. New stares and whispers and a mom trying to hold it together for her little boy so that he can continue to explore the world while the world tries to understand him. And I keep moving forward and taking him out in this world because he can handle it and so I know I should too.
But sometimes those whispers.
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