Expectations: a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future; A belief that someone will or should achieve something.
There is something sad and yet remarkably freeing when you let go of expectations. Whether we realize it or not, as parents we have set expectations for our children from their birth. We expect them to walk, we expect them to talk, we expect them to potty train, we expect them to go to school, we expect them to make friends, we expect things of them in big and small ways every day.
But what happens when an expectation isn't met?
And then another
and another
and another?
The first expectation that passes you by is challenging. Accepting that your child is speech delayed and may never talk at all is hard to handle. Accepting that your child may not be in a mainstream classroom hits you hard. Accepting that your child hasn't developed a friendship on his own breaks your heart.
You hang on to expectations and tell yourself they will come in time. You push yourself harder to help your child. You stay up late researching, you implement new strategies, you keep trying, and trying, and trying.
Then one day you ask yourself where did these expectations come from? Why am I pushing so hard?
So you stop.
And while it's sad to let go of expectations that your child "should" meet, it also releases you. I held on so long to where we should be, what milestones we should be meeting, what others' kids are doing, that my heart hurt all the time.
I still have dreams for Gabe - lots of them. I still fight like hell for him every single day and give him every tool he needs to be who he is meant to be. I still push him when he shows he is capable of something. I still parent him like any other parent.
But my expectations have become more simple and less constraining on both my son and myself. I have learned to slow down and let go some. The truth is when your child is behind you blame yourself. I think that is... well, to be expected. I always ask myself, could I have done something differently, did I do something wrong, did I miss something?
It takes a long time as a parent of a child with a disability to accept that our initial expectations may not be met. They hang in the air like a thick fog.
Letting go of what "should be" is a daily challenge. Whether we like it or not, society has mapped out an expectation for milestones and achievements. If you ever signed up for BabyCenter as a parent you'll remember the weekly emails telling you where your child should be in their development stage. That in itself was a weekly reminder of failed expectations.
So you unsubscribe and move on.
Gabe surprises me every day and I realized that when I let go of strict expectations, I really started enjoying what he has to share with me. It doesn't always look like what I expected, but sometimes it's better. When a milestone comes along that I stopped anticipating I am elated and celebrate it because I know what a gift it is.
I'd be lying if I said that I've let go of all expectations - maybe that's simply not realistic, but I have to remind myself that this journey is a process and we have come so far.
All in all I think we're doing alright...
At least as well as can be expected.
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